“That’s when I carried you, my child”

“Where've you been I've looked for you forever and a day
Where've you been I'm just not myself when you're away” –
(Kathy Mattea “Where’ve you been?”)

Ever get that feeling?  And you struggle, and you try, and you know that He is there, but it’s just so hard?!?

“I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left”(Tenth Avenue North – “Worn”)

I read a devotion in Brennan Manning’s Reflections for Ragamuffins about Catherine of Siena.  He spoke of her having a glorious prayer life, highly conscious awareness of the divine indwelling.  I can honestly say that I have never felt that – can you?  Have you dealt with those that had this (think Hallelujah chorus spirituality)?  I think of myself more along the lines of “Fanfare for the Common Man”, or better yet – “If I could have a beer with Jesus.” 

We are all tested on a daily basis, some days more than others.  Some of these tests continue to be the same thing over and over, what seems like an unwinnable fight, an untenable position.  Recently, I have found myself in this with a constant thorn, and one that defeats me every time, and I just can’t even pray about it anymore!  I tried to tell someone about it.  I told them that it’s a waste of time and energy when that heart is hardened against me, deliberately causing more distress and difficulty in an already hard situation.  I told them that I was “letting go and letting God”, that I would no longer waste my time.  Is this approach wrong?  Most definitely!  Am I sick and tired of the mess?  Again, most definitely.  What is the approach that should take place?  “Pray unceasingly.” 

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV))

And I was told this in no uncertain terms, and it hurt!  It would hurt any way it came at me, but it came at me from a Hallelujah chorus spiritual level person to my Beer with Jesus consciousness, and so it was a major smackdown.

So, I turn inward, turn my radio dial to Praise music, try to find it in me to pray for my thorn, and give thanks for the storms.  I want my struggle to be similar to Job’s, but my testimony not to be like Lamentations.  Who wants to listen to a cry-baby continuously?  And I feel that’s what I’ve become.

I’ve been here before

Now, here I am again

Standing at the door

Praying You’ll let me back in

To label me

A prodigal would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I’ve been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up

Undo what I’ve become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, I need Your help

I can’t do this myself

You’re the only one

Who can undo what I’ve become  - ("UNDO" - RUSH OF FOOLS)

I don’t go to church – does that surprise you?  Many years ago, I was deeply hurt by a church, and those in it that seemed so much closer to Him that I could ever feel.  That has left me with a probably permanent insecurity complex when it comes to Abba and an even more insecure feeling around those people who seem to exist on that Hallelujah chorus plateau.  I was preached “at” rather than preached and witnessed “to.”  Do you understand the difference?  What it means to me is that when anyone comes at me with verse after verse from the bible, I get white noise in my head.  Someone would say, like Casting Crowns frontman – Look, a squirrel!.  He was dyslexic and had ADHD and so his attention would just go wherever, and that is kind of what I experience when flooded with biblical verses and references – look, a squirrel!   I don’t know the bible well, as I was never given not only the opportunity to learn it with others of like mind, but was ciritcized for questions. 

I just can’t find a path to that Hallelujah chorus spiritual plateau, and so am doing my best to stay up on my Beer with Jesus level.  If you are there with me, hold my hand, and we’ll shoulder the yoke together, cry together, pray together and keep going.  If you are on that higher, Hallelujah chorus spiritual plateau – have more patience with the rest of us, we try, but we don’t have that stronger direct connection, but we are doing our best.

Everyday lessons in little things

So, I learned something from NCIS last night – I know, popular TV and it had an education wake-up moment.  Abby was feeling really down, wondering if she was doing any good when all she saw was all bad.  Gibbs told her that “the things you do mean something to people” and pulled out the fortune from a cookie that she had given him when they first met.  It read – today’s friends are tomorrow’s family.  Just how awesome is that?!?   Made me think of a song by Casting Crowns – Prayer for a Friend.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won't have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I also loved the phrase that Gibbs used – you don’t see the hit and runs.  That phrase, hit and run, has negative connotations most of the time.  But stop and think a minute.  Hit and run like Gibbs meant, you have just a glancing contact with someone and what kind of impression do you leave?  We don’t see the hit and runs, we don’t always know what kind of impact we might make in someone’s life. 

There was an email that circulated for a while about a kid passing someone on their way home from school.  The kid was a nerd, and he was loaded down with books for the weekend, and the first kid, let’s call him Tom, thought, “what a bummer, all that homework this weekend.”  He then saw a group of other kids go rushing past, we’ll call him John, and knock all those books all over the ground.  John slowly bent down and picked them up, didn’t offer any kind of fight or argument.  Tom went and helped and carried part of that load home.  He told John that even with all those books, he hoped he had a good weekend and he went home.  The two eventually became good friends, and it came to pass that John graduated top of the class.  In his speech, he mentioned this incident.  He then looked Tom right in the eyes and said that he had planned on committing suicide that weekend and was just cleaning out his locker for his parents so that they wouldn’t have to.  But Tom coming along and helping and a friendly word changed his mind.  Hit and runs.  I like that phrase now, and I want to try and practice more positive hit and runs.  How to do that?

"Somebody Tell Them" by City Harbor

You can see it on the TV

Or in the middle of a crowded room

There's a sea of broken hearts, that are longing

To be washed away by an ocean of truth

Chorus

Somebody tell them that the lost are saved

Somebody tell them that their debt's been paid

And let them know love is calling out their names

Somebody tell them, they're the child of the king

And there is an end to this suffering

And hope that never fades through grace that's made a way.

Somebody tell them, somebody tell them now.

Oh somebody tell them, somebody tell them now.

·         Smile at whomever you pass along your day

·         Don’t be afraid to ask questions and to take the time to listen

·         REACH OUT!  It could save a life

 "My Own Little World" by Matthew West

In my own little world it hardly ever rains

I've never gone hungry, always felt safe

I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet

In my own little world: population -- me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church

I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give 'til it hurts

And I turn off the news when I don't like what I see

It's easy to do when its population -- me

What if there's a bigger picture?

What if I'm missing out?

What if there's a greater purpose?

I could be living right now

Outside my own little world

Stopped till the red light, looked out my window

I saw a cardboard sign said, "Help this homeless widow"

And just above that sign was the face of a human

I thought to myself, "God, what have I been doing?"

So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye

Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?

I gave her some money then I drove on through

And my own little world reached population two

What if there's a bigger picture?

What if I'm missing out?

What if there's a greater purpose?

I could be living right now

Outside my own little world, ooh, my own little world, ooh

Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours

Give me open hands and open doors

Put Your light in my eyes and let me see

That my own little world is not about me

What if there's a bigger picture?

What if I'm missing out?

What if there's a greater purpose?

That I could be living right now

I don't wanna miss what matters

I wanna be reaching out

Show me the greater purpose

So I can start living right now

Outside my own little world, my own little world, my own little world

We are not alone in this world, there are others out there that have their own battles to fight, their own crosses to bear.  I also read in my daily devotional a few days ago (paraphrased) – Abba made this home for you, and He was willing to die (through His son) for you, so why would He make this place evil?  The world is not out to get you!

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

A couple of songs from one of my new favorite groups, Sidewalk Prophets.

"Live Like That"

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true

People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King

"The Words I Would Say"

I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Remember, we were selected as family in the beginning of time.  WE WERE PICKED TO BE FAMILY!!!

"Should've Been Me" by Citizen Way

It should've been me
It should've been us
Should've been there hanging on a cross
All of this shame
All of these scars
Should've been stains that were never washed
Why do I hide
Why do you try
Over and over and over again
I guess it just leaves saying thank God
It leaves me saying thank God, thank God
For the should've been

Third Day said she speaks in Riddles – I speak in lyrics

"Do you hear what I hear, do you hear what I hear?”

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say - Sidewalk Prophets – These are the words I would say lyrics

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You - Casting Crowns – Prayer for a friend lyrics

Let love explode
And bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow

Let love explode
And bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To bring a revolution somehow

Now I'm lost in your freedom
And this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead
He's surely alive

He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion
My God's not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion - Newsboys – God’s not dead lyrics

You're so wild (you're wild and willing)
You're so wild (your spirit's free)
You're such a wild wild child (you're wild and willing)
Oh go wild with me - Heart – Wild Child lyrics

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
population me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning Church
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts
And I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
Yeah, it’s easy to do when it’s
population me

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
That I could be living right now
I don't wanna miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start living right now
Outside my own little world - Matthew West – In my own little world

Well no matter who you are and no matter what you’ve done
There will come a time when you can’t make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you’re not the only one, praying
Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle - Third Day – Miracle

If you’re scared that you don’t matter
If you’re lost and need to be found
If you’re looking for a Savior
All you gotta do is turn around
Some turn to a bottle
Some turn to a drug
Some turn to another’s arms
But it seems like it’s never enough
Well I won’t say, that you will ever fail againFind More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
But there is grace
To wash away your every sin

Chorus
No one listens to you anymore
And your heart has broken down
You don’t need to move
Love has come to you
All you gotta do is turn around
All you gotta do is turn around
Turn around
You don’t have to take the broken road
You can turn around and come back home - Matt Maher – Turn Around

I have been there
I know what fear/pain/sorrow is all about
Yes, I have been there
And I am standing with you now
I have been there
And I came to build a bridge oh so this road could lead her home
the road could lead her home

Oh I have been there
Well I overcame the cross
I have been there
So her life would not be lost
I have been there
and I came to build a bridge oh so this road could lead you home
The road could lead you home
Oh I have been there - Mark Schultz – Been there

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day - Casting Crowns – Dying he saved me

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus - Third Day – Cry out to Jesus

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there - Third Day – all my name lyrics

Somebody tell him that the lost are saved
Somebody tell him that his debt's been paid
And let him know, love is calling out his name
Somebody tell him, he's a child of the king
And there is an end to this suffering
And hope that never fades, through grace that's made a way
Somebody tell him, somebody tell him now.  - City Harbor – Somebody Tell him

It should've been me
It should've been us
Should've been there hanging on a cross
All of this shame
All of these scars
Should've been stains that were never washed
Why do I hide
Why do you try
Over and over and over again
I guess it just leaves saying thank God
It leaves me saying thank God, thank God
For the should've been - Citizen Way – Should’ve been me

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm - Casting Crowns - Praise you in this storm