My Time as Job

Life has really been hard lately, been hammering hard at me, and someone told me that I am having a Job experience.  Know that experience?  Murphy’s law – if it can go wrong, it will?  And this feeling:

I don’t even want to breathe right now –or- I don’t even want to be right now.

Steven Curtis Chapman – I will Trust You

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsVYeUTVMQs)

I was driving home from work one day, just broken, and heard this on the radio:

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

Jeremy Camp – There Will Be a Day

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8gkDiTvloc)

Ok, here come the tears, and have to pull over.  You know, maybe this person was right.  I am in my Job moment.  Queue the stamping of feet!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to have people keep asking me for money, time, work, etc.  I wanted to have an Elijah moment, go out in a blaze of glory, not get hammered into the ground.  I realized that I am under spiritual attack.  And, I am tired of it.  So –

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there

Third Day – Call My Name

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp5PZuuB3Pg)

And –

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Third Day – Cry Out to Jesus

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y)

So, I started pleading, but realize that I might need to go thru this, it may be part of the plan, so –

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Laura Story – Blessings

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs)

What if?  It could be.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Casting Crowns – Praise you in this storm

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw)

So, I cry out, I call His name:

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Rich Mullins – Hold me Jesus

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O9v3ba1qzY)

So, I will stand as strong as I can, or only go down as far as my knees, the strongest the position for a Christian.  And I will sing along with one of my favorite guys, and if he can live thru what he did, then I can to.

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
We will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning beauty will rise
Steven Curtis Chapman – Beauty Will Rise

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-UboNj_nQ)

I can’t just “snap out of it!”

Psalm 69:1

Save me, O God,

for the waters have come up to my neck.

Ever feel this way?  I know that I have.  I also have emails from inspirational writers and speakers that talk about their times in “the pit.”  I have friends right now that are sliding into this pit, or just slowly working their way out, and it takes time.

From Girlfriends in God,  January 21, 2009, this was written:

“In the pit, it is so dark that we cannot see.  All we can do is wait, trust and rest.  In the midst of my depression, I began to discover that darkness is a great place of solitude.  Distractions are few.  when the Light comes, it is easier to see and the silence makes His voice clear and strong.”  (this was part 1 of a 3 part series, and absolutely healing.  I kept it and made it part of my depression journal, to help me work my way out of the pit.)

I so understood this!  That pit is dark, the sides so slippery to try and climb out of ourselves.  And life keeps driving us even when we are sliding down into the pit and can’t get out.

I am still reading “Joy in Jesus”, spending time reading this, portioning it out to get the most out of it and this was the chapter and verse this time, clinical depression, and how it is viewed in the world.  David Marshall opened the chapter with what one poor woman had been asked when she went in for help:  “Have you confessed your sin of depression yet?”  Like she had done something wrong and was being punished in this manner!?!  And this was from someone in authority in a church.

There are many advertisements on television now that speak to depression, maybe you have seen and heard this one:

• Where does depression hurt?  Everywhere
• Who does depression hurt?  Everyone

David states and quotes:  Recent studies of more than 11,000 cases have verified that depression is more physically and socially disabling than arthritis, diabetes, lung disease, chronic back problems, hypertension and gastrointestinal illness.” (This is from a JAMA article on depression)

It can be such a chore to eat, to get out of bed, and getting dressed?  You have got to be kidding.  There were many days that I would make it into work, and then sit here with tears running down my face, and if anyone had asked me why (and no one did!), I couldn’t have told you why.  It just was.

David then asked another question in this section called “Low Tide and Darkness”:  If instead f clinical depression I had said bowel cancer or brain tumour, [she] would have had your instant empathy.  But how do you feel about clinical depression?”

Where is it written that just because you believe, that you are a “happy camper”, that all is right with the world if only you believe?!?  It isn’t.  And in this kind of situation, choosing joy really isn’t an option.  Most days, you get up and can tell yourself that you are going to have a good day, and you will.  But in the pit, there is no saying today will be good.  It is just a day, yet another day.

He tells us of some of the greatest minds in history that have suffered from depression:  Martin luther, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, J. B. Phillips, Paul, Elijah, and Jesus. 

Yes, JESUS.  At Calvary, when he cried out:  My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  This cry by Jesus is teaching us what we need to do in this – cry out!  Third Day sang about it:

To everyone who's lost someone they love

Long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains

Keeping you back from your life

You believe that there's nothing and there is no one

Who can make it right

Chorus

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on

They lost all of their faith and love

They've done all they can to make it right again

Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely (when you're lonely)

And it feels like the whole world is falling on you

You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone

Wiping the tears from her eyes

For the children around the world without a home

Say a prayer tonight

Chorus

There is nothing wrong with any one of us that has been in that pit, and because we have spent time there, we can offer helping hands to those that are there, but we must remember to tell them, they can’t get out on their own, they will need help, and the best help is to Cry out to HIM!

2012 - is it the end?

Per Nostradamus, the world should have already ended.  Per the Mayan calendar, the world will end next year.  Should we look for the end, wait for it, look for those portents and signs?  Someone recently asked me what I thought of all the prophecies about the end of the world, was I trying to figure out when the world would end?

In a simple response - No.

Why?

From "The Dance" by Garth Brooks:
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes, my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

You must endure many hardships in order to enter the Kingdom of God
Acts 14:22

So, with my head held high, whether in pain or joy, I won't be looking for the end and missing life.  For while I could do without the pain and the trials, I would miss out on what went with it.

"This" by Darius Rucker
Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man
(Chorus)
For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to
This

This testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature, complete, not lacking anything. James 1

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  James 1:1-2 (NIV)

These are the words I would repeat, and repeat, and repeat . . .

We all have crosses to bear, right?  And what might they be:

1. loss of a job
2. loss of a loved one
3. harassing coworkers
4. too many bills/financial burdens
5. harassing family
6. no family

I was feeling really down the other day.  I was crying and praying and channel surfing and this song came on the radio by a new group (Sidewalk Prophets):

Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are
I know 'cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Say from one simple life to another I will say
Come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say 

I really started crying then!  Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope!   Oh, did I hear Him this morning and suddenly felt calmer.  I kept repeating this to myself and kept praying.

I have a friend that has been learning  from the sermons "Renew your mind", and she shared this:

You talk about how frustrating it is to be constantly undermined and accused (and it IS very frustrating).   You have really taken to heart  Isaiah's passage from chapter 54:

¹³ All your children will be taught by the LORD,  and great will be their peace.  ¹⁴ In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you;  you will have nothing to fear.  Terror will be far removed;    it will not come near you.   ¹⁵ If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;   whoever attacks you will surrender to you.    ¹⁶ “See, it is I who created the blacksmith  who fans the coals into flame  and forges a weapon fit for its work.   And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;   ¹⁷ no weapon forged against you will prevail,  and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.   This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,   and this is their vindication from me,”  declares the LORD.  

"No weapon forged against you will prevail.”   We have the favor of God who smiles on us, from the stray beam of sunshine landing on us from a cloudy sky, to the unexpected connection of a kindred soul on our travels, to the provisions and inclinations of haphazard people to be good to us when we know all people struggle to do anything good in the natural world.

The applause of heaven is ours along with the certainty of our prayers.

LeadHer ministries

I was invited to join a group, and was told that I could be as active as I wanted, which fits me right now.  I wanted to share it with you.  It’s called LeadHer.  I thought at first, me?  Be a leader?  A good friend of mine from the blog To Not Decide . . . Is to Decide wrote a little about that:

http://tonotdecideistodecide.blogspot.com/2011/03/could-you-be-leadher.html

And so, huh, kinda neat thought, right?  But what is it?

http://tonotdecideistodecide.blogspot.com/2011/03/leadherwhat.html

Ok, so what do I need to do?

http://tonotdecideistodecide.blogspot.com/2011/03/tell-me-moretell-me-moreabout-leadher.html

Basically, it is just to continue doing what I have been doing, writing what’s in my heart, shining forth with God’s light, and telling people all about where this light in me came from.

And you can help!  We were just presented with this wonderful blessing:

http://bit.ly/eE285W

I signed up, and that could be all that you do.  Just sign up and get greeting cards that you would use for whatever you needed.  But, in using them, you would also be shining forth His light, as well as providing some funding to the LeadHer ministries for whatever need would come to them.  

I’ve always said that I was a good wallflower, a good worker bee, “not a leader but a follower be”, remember?  But, well, I’m steppin’ out.  I want to help LeadHer, and if someone follows that light in me, that’s a good thing!

So, are you a LeadHer?

A heart like mine

Heart Like Mine by Miranda Lambert

‘Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine

And I bet we’d get along just fine

He could calm a storm and heal the blind

And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

I heard this on the radio the other day and it really struck a chord within me.  I was also reading in Mark last night and came across this:

Mark 2:16-17 (New International Version, ©2011) (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark%202:%2016-17&version=NIV)

16 When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

 17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

How true and just kind of made the song so much more meaningful!  He would understand a heart like mine and so . . .

I have wanted to adopt for so long, and am trying to come to the realization that it is just not going to happen for me.  I planned, lined everything up.

Steven Curtis Chapman

Album: Speechless

Track: “Whatever”

I made a list, wrote down from A to Z

All the ways I thought that You could best use me

Told all my strengths and my abilities

I formed a plan it seemed to make good sense

I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced

I made my case, presented my defense

But then I read the letter that You sent me

It said that all You really want from me is just

Whatever, whatever You say

Whatever, I will obey

Whatever, Lord, have Your way

'Cause You are my God, whatever

It’s been ten years now, and I have to realize that while I have not provided a home to some new person in my life, I have made a home for those closest to me that really need one.  We have opened our home up to family that didn’t have enough room in their own and could not afford to get a larger one.  I get calls from various family members asking me to cook, because, as they put it, “yours are better than a restaurant.”  I’m making calzones this weekend.

Don’t get me wrong – it hurts to have this dream go unrealized.  

Todd Agnew

Album: Grace Like Rain

Track: “This Fragile Breath”

I searched the world for a song that I could sing

Praise to my King A gift that I could bring

But no music I found could compare to you

Not one could do Justice to your glory

What are my songs compared to yours

Chorus:

You speak with thunder and lightning

Your voice shakes the mountains

The foundations of the earth

All I can offer is this fragile breath

With each one I'll praise You

With each one I'll praise You more

I realized – I don’t need to adopt to give a home, not a house or just food, but a home – to someone that needs it.  I still would love to give a home to an orphan, but am realizing that I need to let it happen rather than beating my head against a wall.

Third Day

Album: Offerings II

Track: “Take My Life”

How many times have I turned away

The number is the same as the sand on the shore

But every time You've taken me back

And now I pray You do it once more.

Chorus:

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength

to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away

The number is the same as the stars in the sky

But every time You've taken me back

And now I pray You do it tonight.

Repeat chorus

And so, I will wait and bide my time and keep doing what I am doing.  While I may feel like a failure, to have them keep coming to me must mean that I am getting something right, and for that, I thank Him.

Ginny Owens

Album: Something More

Track: “I AM”

No Lord, he said, you've got the wrong guy

Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied

And you're telling me to speak with a maniac king

Or could it be I've lost my mind

Besides, I am weak, don't you want someone strong

To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long

And anyway, they won’t believe You ever spoke to me

It's not your problem, God replied

And the rest is history

’Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see

You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me

'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan

And through you I will show them, I Am

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy

Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy

What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling

It's not your problem, God replied

'Cause I can do anything

There's a bigger picture you can't see

You don't have to change the world, just trust in me

'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan

And through you, I will show them

I am the first, I am the last

I am the present and the past

I am tomorrow and today

I am the only way

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl

You say that I will bring your son into the world

How can I understand this thing You're gonna do

It's not your problem, God replied

'Cause, there's a bigger picture

And you don't have to change the world (oh no)

I'm your creator, I am working out my plan

And through you, I will show them

There's a bigger picture, you can't see

You don't have to change the world, just trust in me

’Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan

And through you, I will show them, I Am

I Am

If He wants me to have a child, He will make it happen.  Until then, I have to stop arguing and just keep doing what He needs me to do.

"From Your Hands"

Julian Drive

- From Your Hands

Praying in the garden, You saw the crowd coming

Betrayed by one that called You King

You could have called a band of angels to come and save the day

But instead You chose to stay, You didn’t run away

In the very front of Your mind

While the blood was flowing You saw my face as You cried

Certain in knowing

Tears, blood and pain in the sand

True love was pouring, true love was pouring from Your hands

Bruised and beaten, appeared You were defeated

But things aren’t always what they seem

They thought when they placed Your body into an empty grave

It would end all debate

But the stone was rolled away

The same hand that washes clean, and sets the captive free

Same hand that calmed a sea, and the one who rescued me

I heard this on the radio the other night and got to thinking.  This one has been noodling for some time, lots of pieces to put together, so bear with me.

Thoughts from that night:

Think, imagine

He suffered in the garden . . .

He suffered on the cross . . .

He suffered torture . . .

And all the while

“In the very front of Your mind”

Think . . .

If we hurt just on our own, does that give you any better an idea of what He suffered?  All those faces, all that pain, all those sins, ALL AT ONCE!!!!

I’m not telling this part for sympathy.  I had to go to the hospital to have blood work done last night, the reason behind, I’ll keep to myself.  There was a woman there, hurt, weaving.  She went into the bathroom and was in there so long that one of the nurses went in and found her just coming to – she had passed out and hit her head in the bathroom.  She is part of this new electronic age and so didn’t have any phone numbers memorized as they were all programmed in her phone and she had lost her phone.  She didn’t even know in whose name the house phone would have been in.  She was alone.  The nurses were taking her over to ER and she was so scared and she started crying.  I told her that I would go with her if she wanted.  She wasn’t the only person that was stunned.  I went with her, I sat with her for almost 3 hours until she got back into a bed in ER, and I left her a $10 bill for a cab home once the tests were all run.  And then I went home and told my mother, brother and sister just how grateful I was to know that I would never have to be alone in an ER waiting room, that I had all of them.  That poor girl was so grateful to me, told me that she would never have believed that a perfect stranger would do something like that for someone.  And the hospital staff?  They were speechless.  So, this might not be Outliving my life, but it is counting my blessings and:

Matthew 25:34-40 (New International Version, ©2011) (http://www.biblegateway.com/)

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

   37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

   40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’